Affairs, Accountability, and the Misplaced Blame on "The Other Woman"

Affairs often tear apart marriages. The pain of discovering that your partner has shared emotional or physical intimacy with someone else can feel shattering. Trust is broken, and the world you knew no longer feels stable.

But what if the affair wasn’t just a one-night mistake? What if the other person—the other woman or the other man—was more than a fleeting distraction? It’s not a conversation many are comfortable having, but it’s an important one.

Why We Blame the Wrong Person

We live in a culture that still clings to the idea that people can be “stolen” from their partners, as if we are possessions that can be taken, traded, or kept. But people are not property. No one can take your partner from you unless your partner was already willing to go.

So why do we place so much blame on the person they cheated with?

Focusing all your hurt and anger on the “mistress” or “other man” distracts from the real question: Why was there room for someone else in the relationship to begin with? That space wasn’t created by a stranger—it was opened by your partner.

Yes, there is nothing noble or admirable about engaging in a relationship with someone who is already committed. Crossing the line from “friendly” to “flirty” is a betrayal of boundaries. But the responsibility to uphold the integrity of the relationship lies with the person who made vows to you.

“If They’d Just Go Away…”

Time and time again, I hear clients say, “If he/she would just go away, things could go back to how they were.”

But let’s pause and really look at that. In that dynamic, you're hoping that if their “first choice” disappears, you’ll become the default. You deserve better than to be someone’s fallback plan. And if a third party disappearing is the only path to reconciliation, the deeper issues remain unresolved.

If someone can be “taken” once, they can be taken again. If your partner is willing to hand over their emotional or physical loyalty to someone else, removing that specific person won’t fix the deeper issue: They chose to step out. And unless that core issue is addressed, it’s likely to happen again—with someone new.

Blaming the person your spouse cheated with is like fighting the wind—misguided, exhausting, and ultimately fruitless. Meanwhile, the real problem—the breakdown of trust, communication, or emotional safety within the relationship—goes untouched.

Healing Is Possible, But It Starts with Accountability

Affairs don’t happen in a vacuum—and neither do marriages. Every relationship is shaped by the choices, dynamics, and unspoken patterns between two people. An affair, while a deep betrayal, is often a signal: something is broken, something is ignored, or something needs to change. It’s a shake-up—or a breakup.

Coming back from an affair is possible. Many couples do the work and come through stronger, with more honest communication and deeper emotional connection. But healing can only begin with radical honesty—with yourself, and with each other.

Your partner betrayed your trust. That’s the truth. Now, what are you going to do with that truth?

True healing starts when the injured partner steps out of the powerless role of victim and reclaims their agency. It begins when you stop giving the “other person” so much space in your story, and instead focus on what truly matters: What do you want now? What needs to be different going forward?

Whether you stay or leave is your choice. But blaming a third party for the entire state of your marriage will only keep you stuck. Anger can be justified, but if it’s misplaced, it keeps you spinning instead of moving. What you need now is clarity, courage, and connection—either to rebuild something new with your partner or to rebuild something stronger within yourself.